I think….I’m trying to start my 2nd childhood.

Tired. Of a lot.

Tired of bad habits.

Tired of Television.

Tired of Institutions.

Tired of Superstitions.

I think it’s time to respark the soul, because life is getting monotonous.

I’m 22 now, so I’m still evaluating if I should be feeling like this, but the fact is I do.

I find myself stuck in a web of questions that I inevitably can’t escape.

“Is College really necessary?” “What if I looked up the curriculum and taught myself?”

“What if I just disconnected myself from society for a month or even 2 months, would I find newfound enlightment?”

“If I just focused on me, and me alone, started all over, and was selfish to work on the growth of myself, what would happen?”

“What what happen, if I made myself completely oblivious to the news of celebrities, reality shows, wars, natural disasters, government, Obama

global warming, and just cleared it all out of my head?”

“If I stopped watching porn, stop playing video games, stopped sleeping in late, stopped eating unhealthy foods, changed my very methodical second nature way of thinking?”

Take two steps back from it all to focus on stuff that mattered to me.

Philosophy always intrigued me, took psychology in school but never explored it in detail. I want to know the full history of my people. The ability to look at a problem or situation in a different perspective from the masses. To be Original.

To be happy on my own account, and not chase or be envious of others happiness.

To be peace with myself, and live the rest of my days wiser with new found knowledge I acquired through my journey.

Journey. I shall begin anew.

Everyday I will be documenting my journey I will be making to find something I really don’t know yet. I need to stay consistent and document my progress as I make the transition to better myself. If anybody has any advice it of what books to read, or what activities to do please leave a comment. I’m really excited about this new step in my life, I feel that this transition can potentially change in my life in a huge way.

 

Will Today Be That Day Of New Opportunity? Don’t get you hopes up…

Today began, with the show of promise, because by some divine intervention, one of my mom’s co-workers mentioned a job that her son could work at and told her to tell the employer that edison (i’m guessing the guy’s edison) sent me. When Ma informed me of this last night I simply forced a smile. It wasn’t that I wasn’t grateful that a job opportunity had come my way, it was just that all my other previous job attempts have been lackluster at best.

But I guess in this situation, the chips are on my side because at least I was referred so that is bound to increase my chances of success, so today I thought “You know what today is gonna be different, today holds new opportunities” so like clockwork, I plug my psp headphones in and start to inspire myself by listening to some Kanye Songs. I press shuffle on my psp and “Amazing” 808 drums beat life into my system I’m alive again, I’m amazing it’s amazing i’m the reason everybody fired up this evening, I’m exhausted, barely breathing, holding on to what I believe in no matter what you’ll never take that from me, my reign is as far as the eye can see it’s amazing…..

Getting into the car dressed up, and resume in hand, I didn’t know exactly what job I would be doing, but at this point I was so hype and ready it didn’t matter what the job was I was ready to present myself and make myself look good. Driving through Staten Island, me in the passenger seat, mom at the helm, I look into the clouds and ponder this new direction in life that I’m taking: no longer sitting around the house being unproductive in every shape and form. A glorious life of irregular sleep patterns, unhealthy amount of video game hours, and lack of exercise….every lazy teenager’s dream? Yeah…..kinda but TRUST ME after a while you start to grow up and not all it’s cracked up to be.

The car comes to a sudden halt and back in reality(yeah I tend to drift off…) and scan the surroundings of a dead end street, houses, and a NURSING HOME! Uhhhh…..well….I mean I did say I was down for anything but I really wasn’t expecting to see a NURSING HOME! Then I thought, well my mom has worked with the elderly almost all her life maybe God wanted me to follow in her footsteps, maybe I could learn a thing or two from the people that has lived almost 5 times longer than I have. Maybe if the job goes well…. I can gain invaluable wisdom from these people while making them feel young again, sry I know but a lot of optimistic movie shit goes on in my head of what I want to happen and reality.

So staying optimistic, I make my way to the front entrance, my mom at my side greets the elderly, this old woman holds the door open for me and my mother, extremely kind concerning her small frame. Entering the building I scan the habitat for secretary or receptionist and let me tell I don’t mean to be a jerk or anything but it was like ZOMBIE CENTRAL up in there, lots of lethargic, feeble, and blank expressions. But then I remember all these people like me was a teenager just like me, and one day inevitably I would be old, lethargic, and feeble just like them. So I kindly greeted the elderly as I made my way to the receptionist desk.

The receptionist glares it me as if I’m lost, but I’m pretty sure I’m in the right place so I tell her I’ve came to apply for a job and that I sent by edison, not a second after that sentence I pray I said those magic words that would at least guarantee an interview, well….. not exactly because the golden girls looking receptonist simply replied “Edison doesn’t do any of the hiring, but I can sent you application to administrative services”. I utter a sigh, has I hand over the resume with the application, damn another job opportunity foiled. My mom cheers my spirits my telling me at least you got the application in but I simply look back into the clouds.

Will Today Be That Day Of New Opportunity? Don’t get you hopes up…lol

The Journey begins…..so where’s the starting line?

In my Journey to self-improvement and enlightenment, I seem to have trouble getting out of the starting block. And when I mean trouble I mean serious business. Procrastination’s the name of the game and I’m hands down one of the best legendary procrastinators out there(I’m surprised this blog post was finished lol..).

Okay, let’s rewind a few years back to the first years of college, the kid is nervous and scared, for the first time ever he’s giving an unpercented about of freedom and responsibility, maybe to much responsibility because the kid ended up on academic probation in his first year in college. Maybe it was because the kid grew up in New York City as a single child with his single mother.

He was probably unaware of how dependent he actually was on his mother who did everything for him on instinct because that was her “baby” and she didn’t know any better. Well….whatever the case might be the kid in his first year procrastinated and performed poorly academically. What hurt the kid the most though…. was that his whole life him and his mother struggled to make ends meet. One time the landlord evicted them from their apartment forcing the duo to sleep in their car, tears in mothers face as the son remains strong, for his mommy with faith in God that some how someway, by God’s grace they would make it out of this predicament.

These…stories eat away at me… especially when it’s story about your life, because I know the potential and opportunities I can gain from graduating from college and getting a good education, but for some strange reason even though I’m completely aware of this…I still sabotage my future my making outright foolish decisions.

This year I was put on academic probation for the second time, and had to get average above 2.0 to stay in college and by the grace of God, let’s just says I”m going back to school this August. It disgusts me because I know myself I know I can do much better than this…much better than just barely passing or just average….but still I never grow as a person because still repeat the same mistakes that hinder myself from being successful.

Fear has controlled and conformed me all my life and into the person I am today, it affects all spectrum of progression as a person, whether it is academic, relationships or trying new things, fear immobilizes me in achieving anything I want to do successful in life: I wanna have a 4.0 G.P.A, I wanna be the President of clubs at school, I wanna have a successful relationship with a girlfriend, I wanna bungee jump and embrace and live life to the fullest.

I truly believe in my heart, that I just haven’t given myself the chance to actually face my fears and for the first time in years LIVE LIFE. I’m only 19 yrs old so I have all the time in world, but I miss out on alot of stuff, and I want to make up for that. I hope that you readers can also be inspired my this blog in this transition of my life.