2nd Childhood. Part 2. Where do I begin? I’ll start with myself.

First things first, if I’m to get anywhere or make any consistent and worthwhile progress. I’m going to have ditch my habits.

To be quite frank I have bad habits.

My eating schedule is sporadic, procrastinate like nobody’s business, and can’t prioritize to save my life.

I watch porn (a little more than I should), and play video games and don’t exercise. I get up as late as I can to get the most sleep, and my

room is in a constant state of disarray. Right now all my clothes are dirty. ALL OF THEM.

I don’t read any of my textbooks, and my attention span is horrible, not to mention cartoon network runs 24/7 in my dorm.

This is not cool.

So I first begin by physically walking away from the computer and turning off the tv. (gimme one moment as I carry out this difficult task)

Okay. Done. I can already think clearer now that the silence has filled the room, holy crap I can hear myself think. I can also hear myself type. I guess I never noticed.

Now I think it is safe to say that a Laundry day is in order. So I will begin sorting out the mess that is in the corner. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to clean up my room either.

So let’s hop to it.

Good God. This is alot of Laundry.

I think I’m just Lazy.

I  was just greeted with the ever familiar notification “bloop” and quickly hovered my cursor to the tab I have opened to see the new red bubble.

I’m freaking controlled and a slave to facebook.

So with that being realized, I’m gotta X you out facebook because your gonna be the death of me, sorry facebook its me not you . click.

Facebook will not be revisited for quite some time. Porn I’m sorry but that goes for you too.

Okay. No TV, No Facebook, No Porn.

…….

Fuck.

Now school work. I have a presentation April 3, a project due March 29, and another project on April 3, and other extra curricular obligations.

Yeah Procrastination is a bitch.

But I’m will  be completely honest with myself nothing is sugar coated, so I have to bite the bullet and prioritize.

I will begin research on my presentation and then study for my test on Tuesday.

I should probably take a nice fresh shower to rejuvenate myself.

I have a long ways to go but I have made the initial steps to stop my habits.

Only the test of time will tell how serious I am at working to better myself.

I think….I’m trying to start my 2nd childhood.

Tired. Of a lot.

Tired of bad habits.

Tired of Television.

Tired of Institutions.

Tired of Superstitions.

I think it’s time to respark the soul, because life is getting monotonous.

I’m 22 now, so I’m still evaluating if I should be feeling like this, but the fact is I do.

I find myself stuck in a web of questions that I inevitably can’t escape.

“Is College really necessary?” “What if I looked up the curriculum and taught myself?”

“What if I just disconnected myself from society for a month or even 2 months, would I find newfound enlightment?”

“If I just focused on me, and me alone, started all over, and was selfish to work on the growth of myself, what would happen?”

“What what happen, if I made myself completely oblivious to the news of celebrities, reality shows, wars, natural disasters, government, Obama

global warming, and just cleared it all out of my head?”

“If I stopped watching porn, stop playing video games, stopped sleeping in late, stopped eating unhealthy foods, changed my very methodical second nature way of thinking?”

Take two steps back from it all to focus on stuff that mattered to me.

Philosophy always intrigued me, took psychology in school but never explored it in detail. I want to know the full history of my people. The ability to look at a problem or situation in a different perspective from the masses. To be Original.

To be happy on my own account, and not chase or be envious of others happiness.

To be peace with myself, and live the rest of my days wiser with new found knowledge I acquired through my journey.

Journey. I shall begin anew.

Everyday I will be documenting my journey I will be making to find something I really don’t know yet. I need to stay consistent and document my progress as I make the transition to better myself. If anybody has any advice it of what books to read, or what activities to do please leave a comment. I’m really excited about this new step in my life, I feel that this transition can potentially change in my life in a huge way.

 

Social Rejection? Not Possible If I Stay In My Bubble.

Why is it so hard to talk to people? Actually no scratch that, why is it so hard to meet new people? I remember there was a time when meeting others was as easy as saying “ I like pokemon cards to you?” That single sentence was enough to gain a potential lifelong new friend.

But that was a long time ago, I’m 22.

I have faced the realization that as I grow older it becomes more difficult to relate and find new friends. What I find interesting is even people who share the same interests find it hard to connect.  Now I’m not oblivious to the social barriers of stereotypes, socio-economic gaps, language barriers, and racism but even when people find themselves in the same race, class status, and speak the same language and possess no negative disposition against one another. There’s still no interaction.

Maybe people don’t care, don’t want new friends or just perfectly comfortable with the friends in their circle and don’t want anymore. But everybody has a story to tell, even if dull isn’t that right Mr. Twain?

I believe people in today’s society especially western society, people possess a dread fear of social rejection. I mean who in their right mind has enough courage to bypass another person’s social comfort bubble and start a conversation? Not many I tell you and the few who have the guts to do deserve a purple heart.

Everybody goes about their daily lives with a certain loyalty to their friends rivaling a cult, cool snuggies and creepy rituals aside, if a stranger decides to put themselves out there and attempts to connect to another person or another group of friends, the response is usually a visual stoning or hideous glares that a person with leopardsy approached them.

After a significantly negative experience like that, of course most people would just give up because being burned alive is not bad as being socially rejected. As a result, most people don’t really give themselves a chance to practice their social skills and interactions enough so they don’t feel confident in social situations, they figure it’s a lot easier to just say in their comfort zone bubble like everybody else and be on the giving rather than the receiving end of social rejection.

Why do I insist on sleeping through all my classes? I hate myself sometimes….

Jesus, I missed all my freaking classes again I’m really screwing the pooch now I don’t even know how many absences that is but If I can’t count them on one hand, don’t bother. I just got my midterm grades and doing pretty mediocre for the most part, I got a C+ in Algebra Concepts, and F in Chemistry, and F in Web programming I even though my Professor told me not to worry about it and God knows what in Psychology cause my teacher hasn’t grading the only test we ever took that class.

Ok something has to give obviously my behavior has to change because I’m producing the same results as last year….this is not what I had in mind when came back, maybe it’s the lack of studing, endless hours of video games, or spending ridiculous amount of time with friends why I’m in this predicament well you what?

I gotta start over with what I got and make something out of nothing, and that starts with my horrible sleep patterns, lack of time management (To begin studying at 2 0′clock in the morning might not be the best time….) and Study environments like my room are the reason I get close to nothing done…But where do I start I have a project due 2 days from now and I haven’t started oh yeah coffee and red bull for the win? NO MORE MESSED UP SLEEP PATTERNS FOR ME……

I’m gonna start watching every second of every minute of every hour of the day and see exactly what I’m doing at the that time to put and end to this ridiculous shenanigans I’ve been doing for like most of my educational career. Google Calendar will be downloaded cause I barely even use microsoft outlook. And that should help in dividends when managing time, when work needs to done keep social interactions to a minimum and most important of ALL STAY FOCUSED!!!!

Henry Ford said this quote that I really like I think it was something like

“The first requisite for success is to focus both mental and physical energies into a task without growing weary”

Such a great quote because I FOR THE LIFE OF ME CANNOT FOCUSED WITH ALL MY mental and physical energies on one specific tasks like homework, without getting weary, tired, bored or restless it’s a really bad quality because it usually results in me taking lots for breaks to clear my head. So I end up clearing my head with two hours of video games and not finishing the assignment.

“Most Men Misfortune, is the result of Misused Time” – I forgot….lol

I’m one of those Men……but I’m keep trying learn from my mistakes this time and get this project done and do my thing cause the only person who can stop me is me.

Well see what happens so I will be careful to take care of the seconds and minutes in the day and the hours will take care of themselves right?

right? times a-wasting……..

I Know I’m a guy but, Seven pounds made my cry…

Alright, I’m back on my high horse, thanks to Will smith’s brilliant, and touching performance in the movie “Seven pounds”. Ok, I’m not acting like I’m a tough guy or anything, but I usually don’t cry when I watch movies. (That’s not true you teared up when Will smith was holding his son in the bathroom in the Movie “The Pursuit of happiness”…).

Ok maybe I’m a softie, but this movie had me choked up, cause the fate of Will Smith’s character is inevitable, and while you watch the movie, playing detective trying to unravel the true motives of his character you end up revealing just how great and awe-inspiring the kindness and unselfishness that Will Smith’s character exhibited which is extremely rare and is seen in very few people. All I gotta say is that it inspired me to take a look at myself as a person, and you should watch it as well…if you watch it already, WATCH IT AGAIN! lol….Magic got their ass handed to them by the Lakers in a 4-1 finish in the NBA finals, so I’m not even going to dwell on that subject, cause quite frankly, it hurts so back what’s happening:

I don’t really know what kick me back into high gear but I’m really gettin my life routine back together, I started exercising again, I’m studying my web programming book again, and doing my part to help mom around house. It’s funny cause the other day I wrote a blog barely being able to get my lazy ass out of bed.

But now I’m focused, determined the ambition and drive is back, THE KID IS BACK! Yeah… it felt good to say that but I gotta be consistent if any of these words I write are gonna be concrete or hold any weight, cause saying it when you first doing it and following through are to completely different things.

Okay so the booty, raised a brow no? well….there’s been another area that I wanted to improve in and yeah you quess it relationships. But I think all this time I got wrong cause I know in my previous post I was talking about wanting a relationship and having a girlfriend and the whole nine yards.

But I figured, I’m only like 19 years old, so I should still enjoy myself while I’m still young ya dig? I feel like I missed out on SO MANY opportunities that I had with promiscuous females cause I was how would you say “happy go lucky guy” who didn’t partake in being promiscuous.

Now tell me, ain’t that some bullshit? I’m in my second year of college and barely did shit, cause I’m looking for the ONE, well as of right now….screw that I’m looking what options I got right now. And don’t get me wrong I’m not gonna be an asshole and go from one girl to another, i’m just enjoying myself until I find out who is wifey material….

That didn’t sound to much better did it………

Till next time kids, deuces…..

If you don’t have a summer job, don’t make sleeping a hobby….

Yawn…..How the hell did I managed to sleep from 1 p.m to 6 p.m. in the middle of the day? Jesus, I need to be productive, I need I job fast. It’s funny you know because when I was a young lad, I would swear up and down that I didn’t need to sleep and believed if I was by some miracle I did fail asleep I was gonna miss something. I would sleep for like 2 hours and wake up just in time for saturday morning cartoons, as far I was was concerned “sleeping was for the weak”.

But man has time changed, now that my sleep pattern is all messed up, when I wake up I’m still tired, and I have to deal with the consequences of self-pity because I basically slept through the entire day. It sucks, because I lose all my ambition and drive, because when you wake up 6 o’clock in the evening seriously what the hell can you do?

Well….sometime I gotta get head above water or in this case out of the pillow, if I want make a change for the better.

Damn Magic Lost, And I still don’t have a girlfriend….life sucks…lol

It’s been 1 day since I last posted, and while I take time to figure out what is the source of my kyptonite, I received a call from my friend who hacked his Xbox 360 by himself, and needed help testing the setup of a new server he put up. I was admittely shocked and dissapointed in myself when he called because I had no clue how to hack an Xbox 360 or even setup a server and Me and friend has been in school for the same amount of years.

Damn…..I suck.

Yesterday Me and my friend went to Starbucks, but not before I got to see one of my best childhood friends go off to his High School Prom. I was so proud to see him in his fresh suit, all grown up and mature. It’s moments like that when you see how far you friends have grown, inevitably also noticing how old you are simultaneously. Watching him go off to his Prom and take pictures, cause me to reminiscence about my Prom and the chances I didn’t take. Don’t get me wrong I a lot of fun at my prom, an absolute blast, but I know I would have  been more fun if I actually had a date…lol

My other friend who’s 22 was with me when we saw our childhood friend drive off in the limo with his date, and while Me and my friend’s big brother was happy to see our friend experience such an significant event in his life. My friend seem distant, he missed is prom and it seem to eat at him to see everything he missed.

Shortly after, me and friend traveled to Starbucks, you see my friend is a major caffeine head I mean an espresso junkie and he needs his daily fix, I just accompany him while he fulfills his addiction(yeah I don’t help at all lol…). While at Starbucks me friend tells me he regrets missing his Prom after seeing our childhood friend go off to his Prom.

While he elaborates on the subject, I drift off into selfish mode, and begin to scan the habitat, damn does Starbucks always has this many fine females? I’m about to become addicted to caffeine myself…lol, I drift back into the conversation and my boy is talking about his past relationship mistakes, me like clockwork, tell him about the mistakes I’ve make and how, we gotta get ourselves out there and start talking to some chicks.

But inevitably, me and friend are all talk and no action, so while we talk about what actions were going to take differently to successfully get with a chick, there’s all these fine honeys walking around Starbucks, begging to be talked to and guess what we did?

We finished our drinks, conversation and left…..as usual…..

bunch of pansys if you ask me…..lol

And I wonder why I don’t have a girlfriend….sheesh.

Plus Magic lost because dumbass Hedo Turkuglo (sry for misspelling his name but cut me some slack here) can’t make a free throw to save himself, and Dwight Howard all because you sent the playoff record for 9 blks in a playoff game doesn’t give you the right to miss clutch free throws when you ONLY UP BY 3. Because it gives Derek Fisher’s bald headed ass a reason to tie the game up and sent the game into overtime…..and if it’s one thing you don’t want to do it’s go to OT with Kobe Bryant.

Because the Black Mamba is a beast….

So I still lack a girlfriend, and my team is 3-1 in the NBA finals and I don’t have a car so I can’t even save money on car insurance my switching to Geico.

For some reason I got the sudden urge to ride my bike again so I will maybe I’ll start exercising seriously again, oh yeah if you like Kanye West check out that song Super Nova with Mr. Hudson (he’s awesome) and Clispe ft Pharrel called “I’m Good” it’s like my theme song right now….

till next time cheers-

Will Today Be That Day Of New Opportunity? Don’t get you hopes up…

Today began, with the show of promise, because by some divine intervention, one of my mom’s co-workers mentioned a job that her son could work at and told her to tell the employer that edison (i’m guessing the guy’s edison) sent me. When Ma informed me of this last night I simply forced a smile. It wasn’t that I wasn’t grateful that a job opportunity had come my way, it was just that all my other previous job attempts have been lackluster at best.

But I guess in this situation, the chips are on my side because at least I was referred so that is bound to increase my chances of success, so today I thought “You know what today is gonna be different, today holds new opportunities” so like clockwork, I plug my psp headphones in and start to inspire myself by listening to some Kanye Songs. I press shuffle on my psp and “Amazing” 808 drums beat life into my system I’m alive again, I’m amazing it’s amazing i’m the reason everybody fired up this evening, I’m exhausted, barely breathing, holding on to what I believe in no matter what you’ll never take that from me, my reign is as far as the eye can see it’s amazing…..

Getting into the car dressed up, and resume in hand, I didn’t know exactly what job I would be doing, but at this point I was so hype and ready it didn’t matter what the job was I was ready to present myself and make myself look good. Driving through Staten Island, me in the passenger seat, mom at the helm, I look into the clouds and ponder this new direction in life that I’m taking: no longer sitting around the house being unproductive in every shape and form. A glorious life of irregular sleep patterns, unhealthy amount of video game hours, and lack of exercise….every lazy teenager’s dream? Yeah…..kinda but TRUST ME after a while you start to grow up and not all it’s cracked up to be.

The car comes to a sudden halt and back in reality(yeah I tend to drift off…) and scan the surroundings of a dead end street, houses, and a NURSING HOME! Uhhhh…..well….I mean I did say I was down for anything but I really wasn’t expecting to see a NURSING HOME! Then I thought, well my mom has worked with the elderly almost all her life maybe God wanted me to follow in her footsteps, maybe I could learn a thing or two from the people that has lived almost 5 times longer than I have. Maybe if the job goes well…. I can gain invaluable wisdom from these people while making them feel young again, sry I know but a lot of optimistic movie shit goes on in my head of what I want to happen and reality.

So staying optimistic, I make my way to the front entrance, my mom at my side greets the elderly, this old woman holds the door open for me and my mother, extremely kind concerning her small frame. Entering the building I scan the habitat for secretary or receptionist and let me tell I don’t mean to be a jerk or anything but it was like ZOMBIE CENTRAL up in there, lots of lethargic, feeble, and blank expressions. But then I remember all these people like me was a teenager just like me, and one day inevitably I would be old, lethargic, and feeble just like them. So I kindly greeted the elderly as I made my way to the receptionist desk.

The receptionist glares it me as if I’m lost, but I’m pretty sure I’m in the right place so I tell her I’ve came to apply for a job and that I sent by edison, not a second after that sentence I pray I said those magic words that would at least guarantee an interview, well….. not exactly because the golden girls looking receptonist simply replied “Edison doesn’t do any of the hiring, but I can sent you application to administrative services”. I utter a sigh, has I hand over the resume with the application, damn another job opportunity foiled. My mom cheers my spirits my telling me at least you got the application in but I simply look back into the clouds.

Will Today Be That Day Of New Opportunity? Don’t get you hopes up…lol

The Journey begins…..so where’s the starting line?

In my Journey to self-improvement and enlightenment, I seem to have trouble getting out of the starting block. And when I mean trouble I mean serious business. Procrastination’s the name of the game and I’m hands down one of the best legendary procrastinators out there(I’m surprised this blog post was finished lol..).

Okay, let’s rewind a few years back to the first years of college, the kid is nervous and scared, for the first time ever he’s giving an unpercented about of freedom and responsibility, maybe to much responsibility because the kid ended up on academic probation in his first year in college. Maybe it was because the kid grew up in New York City as a single child with his single mother.

He was probably unaware of how dependent he actually was on his mother who did everything for him on instinct because that was her “baby” and she didn’t know any better. Well….whatever the case might be the kid in his first year procrastinated and performed poorly academically. What hurt the kid the most though…. was that his whole life him and his mother struggled to make ends meet. One time the landlord evicted them from their apartment forcing the duo to sleep in their car, tears in mothers face as the son remains strong, for his mommy with faith in God that some how someway, by God’s grace they would make it out of this predicament.

These…stories eat away at me… especially when it’s story about your life, because I know the potential and opportunities I can gain from graduating from college and getting a good education, but for some strange reason even though I’m completely aware of this…I still sabotage my future my making outright foolish decisions.

This year I was put on academic probation for the second time, and had to get average above 2.0 to stay in college and by the grace of God, let’s just says I”m going back to school this August. It disgusts me because I know myself I know I can do much better than this…much better than just barely passing or just average….but still I never grow as a person because still repeat the same mistakes that hinder myself from being successful.

Fear has controlled and conformed me all my life and into the person I am today, it affects all spectrum of progression as a person, whether it is academic, relationships or trying new things, fear immobilizes me in achieving anything I want to do successful in life: I wanna have a 4.0 G.P.A, I wanna be the President of clubs at school, I wanna have a successful relationship with a girlfriend, I wanna bungee jump and embrace and live life to the fullest.

I truly believe in my heart, that I just haven’t given myself the chance to actually face my fears and for the first time in years LIVE LIFE. I’m only 19 yrs old so I have all the time in world, but I miss out on alot of stuff, and I want to make up for that. I hope that you readers can also be inspired my this blog in this transition of my life.