2nd Childhood. Part 2. Where do I begin? I’ll start with myself.

First things first, if I’m to get anywhere or make any consistent and worthwhile progress. I’m going to have ditch my habits.

To be quite frank I have bad habits.

My eating schedule is sporadic, procrastinate like nobody’s business, and can’t prioritize to save my life.

I watch porn (a little more than I should), and play video games and don’t exercise. I get up as late as I can to get the most sleep, and my

room is in a constant state of disarray. Right now all my clothes are dirty. ALL OF THEM.

I don’t read any of my textbooks, and my attention span is horrible, not to mention cartoon network runs 24/7 in my dorm.

This is not cool.

So I first begin by physically walking away from the computer and turning off the tv. (gimme one moment as I carry out this difficult task)

Okay. Done. I can already think clearer now that the silence has filled the room, holy crap I can hear myself think. I can also hear myself type. I guess I never noticed.

Now I think it is safe to say that a Laundry day is in order. So I will begin sorting out the mess that is in the corner. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to clean up my room either.

So let’s hop to it.

Good God. This is alot of Laundry.

I think I’m just Lazy.

I  was just greeted with the ever familiar notification “bloop” and quickly hovered my cursor to the tab I have opened to see the new red bubble.

I’m freaking controlled and a slave to facebook.

So with that being realized, I’m gotta X you out facebook because your gonna be the death of me, sorry facebook its me not you . click.

Facebook will not be revisited for quite some time. Porn I’m sorry but that goes for you too.

Okay. No TV, No Facebook, No Porn.

…….

Fuck.

Now school work. I have a presentation April 3, a project due March 29, and another project on April 3, and other extra curricular obligations.

Yeah Procrastination is a bitch.

But I’m will  be completely honest with myself nothing is sugar coated, so I have to bite the bullet and prioritize.

I will begin research on my presentation and then study for my test on Tuesday.

I should probably take a nice fresh shower to rejuvenate myself.

I have a long ways to go but I have made the initial steps to stop my habits.

Only the test of time will tell how serious I am at working to better myself.

I think….I’m trying to start my 2nd childhood.

Tired. Of a lot.

Tired of bad habits.

Tired of Television.

Tired of Institutions.

Tired of Superstitions.

I think it’s time to respark the soul, because life is getting monotonous.

I’m 22 now, so I’m still evaluating if I should be feeling like this, but the fact is I do.

I find myself stuck in a web of questions that I inevitably can’t escape.

“Is College really necessary?” “What if I looked up the curriculum and taught myself?”

“What if I just disconnected myself from society for a month or even 2 months, would I find newfound enlightment?”

“If I just focused on me, and me alone, started all over, and was selfish to work on the growth of myself, what would happen?”

“What what happen, if I made myself completely oblivious to the news of celebrities, reality shows, wars, natural disasters, government, Obama

global warming, and just cleared it all out of my head?”

“If I stopped watching porn, stop playing video games, stopped sleeping in late, stopped eating unhealthy foods, changed my very methodical second nature way of thinking?”

Take two steps back from it all to focus on stuff that mattered to me.

Philosophy always intrigued me, took psychology in school but never explored it in detail. I want to know the full history of my people. The ability to look at a problem or situation in a different perspective from the masses. To be Original.

To be happy on my own account, and not chase or be envious of others happiness.

To be peace with myself, and live the rest of my days wiser with new found knowledge I acquired through my journey.

Journey. I shall begin anew.

Everyday I will be documenting my journey I will be making to find something I really don’t know yet. I need to stay consistent and document my progress as I make the transition to better myself. If anybody has any advice it of what books to read, or what activities to do please leave a comment. I’m really excited about this new step in my life, I feel that this transition can potentially change in my life in a huge way.

 

Social Rejection? Not Possible If I Stay In My Bubble.

Why is it so hard to talk to people? Actually no scratch that, why is it so hard to meet new people? I remember there was a time when meeting others was as easy as saying “ I like pokemon cards to you?” That single sentence was enough to gain a potential lifelong new friend.

But that was a long time ago, I’m 22.

I have faced the realization that as I grow older it becomes more difficult to relate and find new friends. What I find interesting is even people who share the same interests find it hard to connect.  Now I’m not oblivious to the social barriers of stereotypes, socio-economic gaps, language barriers, and racism but even when people find themselves in the same race, class status, and speak the same language and possess no negative disposition against one another. There’s still no interaction.

Maybe people don’t care, don’t want new friends or just perfectly comfortable with the friends in their circle and don’t want anymore. But everybody has a story to tell, even if dull isn’t that right Mr. Twain?

I believe people in today’s society especially western society, people possess a dread fear of social rejection. I mean who in their right mind has enough courage to bypass another person’s social comfort bubble and start a conversation? Not many I tell you and the few who have the guts to do deserve a purple heart.

Everybody goes about their daily lives with a certain loyalty to their friends rivaling a cult, cool snuggies and creepy rituals aside, if a stranger decides to put themselves out there and attempts to connect to another person or another group of friends, the response is usually a visual stoning or hideous glares that a person with leopardsy approached them.

After a significantly negative experience like that, of course most people would just give up because being burned alive is not bad as being socially rejected. As a result, most people don’t really give themselves a chance to practice their social skills and interactions enough so they don’t feel confident in social situations, they figure it’s a lot easier to just say in their comfort zone bubble like everybody else and be on the giving rather than the receiving end of social rejection.

Why do I insist on sleeping through all my classes? I hate myself sometimes….

Jesus, I missed all my freaking classes again I’m really screwing the pooch now I don’t even know how many absences that is but If I can’t count them on one hand, don’t bother. I just got my midterm grades and doing pretty mediocre for the most part, I got a C+ in Algebra Concepts, and F in Chemistry, and F in Web programming I even though my Professor told me not to worry about it and God knows what in Psychology cause my teacher hasn’t grading the only test we ever took that class.

Ok something has to give obviously my behavior has to change because I’m producing the same results as last year….this is not what I had in mind when came back, maybe it’s the lack of studing, endless hours of video games, or spending ridiculous amount of time with friends why I’m in this predicament well you what?

I gotta start over with what I got and make something out of nothing, and that starts with my horrible sleep patterns, lack of time management (To begin studying at 2 0′clock in the morning might not be the best time….) and Study environments like my room are the reason I get close to nothing done…But where do I start I have a project due 2 days from now and I haven’t started oh yeah coffee and red bull for the win? NO MORE MESSED UP SLEEP PATTERNS FOR ME……

I’m gonna start watching every second of every minute of every hour of the day and see exactly what I’m doing at the that time to put and end to this ridiculous shenanigans I’ve been doing for like most of my educational career. Google Calendar will be downloaded cause I barely even use microsoft outlook. And that should help in dividends when managing time, when work needs to done keep social interactions to a minimum and most important of ALL STAY FOCUSED!!!!

Henry Ford said this quote that I really like I think it was something like

“The first requisite for success is to focus both mental and physical energies into a task without growing weary”

Such a great quote because I FOR THE LIFE OF ME CANNOT FOCUSED WITH ALL MY mental and physical energies on one specific tasks like homework, without getting weary, tired, bored or restless it’s a really bad quality because it usually results in me taking lots for breaks to clear my head. So I end up clearing my head with two hours of video games and not finishing the assignment.

“Most Men Misfortune, is the result of Misused Time” – I forgot….lol

I’m one of those Men……but I’m keep trying learn from my mistakes this time and get this project done and do my thing cause the only person who can stop me is me.

Well see what happens so I will be careful to take care of the seconds and minutes in the day and the hours will take care of themselves right?

right? times a-wasting……..

Year 3 of College: Growing in knowledge or at all?

Where to begin…..last post was 2 months ago, creating this blog for the sole purpose of tracking my progress of my transformation of an ambitions young guy to a successful man. Well….it has been almost 2 months so my absence speaks for it self, I still have severe commitment issues to work on, but besides that let me recap what the happen this past summer… I was lucky enough to find a job at the regal movie theather, after countless days of aimlessly filling in applications, constant arguments between my mother regarding my incompetence (I was lazy, like sloth lazy it was pretty bad….) and being 19 yrs old, understanding and accepting where I currently was really hard; I messed up two years of college and have two years left, haven’t had a serious relationship in a loooooong time…. and ultimately missing lots of opportunities for success.

This summer had it’s hardships, but around mid-July, I actually was hired to work concession at the movie theater. I was extremely grateful at the time cause I was at the point where  desperate was an understatement for a job, I filled in applications at Mcdonalds, Nursing Homes, and every other low-end wage job you could expect. I was fortunate because my friend’s big brother worked there previously and recommended me and his brother to work.

I took it and ran with it, I saw it as a new beginning to get my life back in order, other than the chaos of randomness of sleep, eat, watch TV, fill in application online  repeat steps 1,2 and 3 95% of the time, which my life revolved around sadly. Being a quick learner I adjusted instantly and worked cashier at the concession area, where I worked with nothing but other female co-workers with an occasional other dude working in concession with me. I slowly meshed myself into the patchwork of the social habitat of my fellow co-workers but there was bit of disconnection between me and them, or so at least I believed. Since I went to school upstate and most of my co-workers went to school in Staten Island where everybody lived, everybody knew what everybody was doing, they were closely networked…. I had no clue.

This summer I tried to find a new girlfriend but, I couldn’t find that special chemistry with any of the females at my job, the girls at my job had completely different mindsets then I did: work, go party, have sex. I think I pretty much covered the basics, and not there is anything wrong with that, it just not what I’m looking for right now. All co-workers at my job younger or older than me had higher or lower positions than me all ultimately taught me a very important lesson in life, before I worked at the movie theater and I still have a little problem with this today, is I’m kinda shy person and if I don’t know a person I’m generally a quiet person until I warm up to a specific person. This trait really hinders me from developing significant relationships with people because of the time I waste warming up to people.

But that changed, because everybody at work was really outgoing which allow me to open up and let down my secure barriers around people because I’m really self-conscious person, but once I open up, I’m probably one the funniest people you ever meet. My job taught me not to care what other people think, and to just do what been holding back for years…..

JUST BEING ME

Now I’m back at school and my outlook on life has different perspectives: I tired of holding back I’m a junior now! I feel like I just realized my potential has a person but it’s never to late to embrace it! So has soon as I made it back to school I applied for a job working at the Central Dining Hall, applied at the campus store, and applied to be campus Office Manager for my resident hall… I trying to get my feet wet get some experience under my belt and develop leadership skills in the process. I much more outgoing now and I’m constantly trying to make new friends. I already good friends with the freshmen, RA’s and Resident Director as well… which will help in dividends when I apply for the office manager position I pray I receive that job!

Year 3 of college is going to be just amazing! I feel it in my gut, my friends feel it in their gut, this year I will try my best to embrace all opportunities to be successful on all aspects of my life! stay tuned peace….

The Journey begins…..so where’s the starting line?

In my Journey to self-improvement and enlightenment, I seem to have trouble getting out of the starting block. And when I mean trouble I mean serious business. Procrastination’s the name of the game and I’m hands down one of the best legendary procrastinators out there(I’m surprised this blog post was finished lol..).

Okay, let’s rewind a few years back to the first years of college, the kid is nervous and scared, for the first time ever he’s giving an unpercented about of freedom and responsibility, maybe to much responsibility because the kid ended up on academic probation in his first year in college. Maybe it was because the kid grew up in New York City as a single child with his single mother.

He was probably unaware of how dependent he actually was on his mother who did everything for him on instinct because that was her “baby” and she didn’t know any better. Well….whatever the case might be the kid in his first year procrastinated and performed poorly academically. What hurt the kid the most though…. was that his whole life him and his mother struggled to make ends meet. One time the landlord evicted them from their apartment forcing the duo to sleep in their car, tears in mothers face as the son remains strong, for his mommy with faith in God that some how someway, by God’s grace they would make it out of this predicament.

These…stories eat away at me… especially when it’s story about your life, because I know the potential and opportunities I can gain from graduating from college and getting a good education, but for some strange reason even though I’m completely aware of this…I still sabotage my future my making outright foolish decisions.

This year I was put on academic probation for the second time, and had to get average above 2.0 to stay in college and by the grace of God, let’s just says I”m going back to school this August. It disgusts me because I know myself I know I can do much better than this…much better than just barely passing or just average….but still I never grow as a person because still repeat the same mistakes that hinder myself from being successful.

Fear has controlled and conformed me all my life and into the person I am today, it affects all spectrum of progression as a person, whether it is academic, relationships or trying new things, fear immobilizes me in achieving anything I want to do successful in life: I wanna have a 4.0 G.P.A, I wanna be the President of clubs at school, I wanna have a successful relationship with a girlfriend, I wanna bungee jump and embrace and live life to the fullest.

I truly believe in my heart, that I just haven’t given myself the chance to actually face my fears and for the first time in years LIVE LIFE. I’m only 19 yrs old so I have all the time in world, but I miss out on alot of stuff, and I want to make up for that. I hope that you readers can also be inspired my this blog in this transition of my life.